To my sisters

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James


Dear Edie,

In my childhood, I never walked alone. I always had your footsteps to walk into. I knew where ever they would lead, I would be safe. You were my protector, my teacher, my guardian, my bully, but most of all my best friend.

As young sisters, you always let me tag along - even when I annoyed you. I was your sidekick. As sidekicks did, I listened to your commands. Even if it was sitting in a bush for all hours of the night to play hide-n-seek. The joke was on me because I was the only one playing that game. We had our own games. At night, we laid in our beds and would play I spy in the dark and "guess who I'm thinking of."

We had a bond that others did not understand and envied. I believe it's rare for two sisters to actually have a true relationship like we have. When I could not say what I was saying, you could. The times you were down, I tried to make you laugh. You are my role model. As you became a mother, I saw you grow. My love for you become stronger. I only wish I can be half the sister and mother you are. I look forward to what the future holds and know that our sisterhood will never die.

Dear Lindsey and Kelsi,

We weren't given the opportunity to have a stereotypical relationship. Our bond has to travel over 800 miles. I'm sorry that I cannot be there to wipe away the tears you shed. I wish I was there to kiss you good night. I'm sorry I'm not there when you need help with your homework. I wish I could be there to integrate your boyfriends. It saddens me that I have never watch you play a sport or in a play.

My only wish is that I can be the sister Edie was to me, 800 miles away. I love to hear your voice over the phone and to see your smile on the web-cam. No matter how many miles are between us, I am always there. You are on my mind everyday. Each one of you captured my heart the day I first met you.

Lindsey, I love your creativeness. I love your kindred heart. You are stronger than you think. I love your hugs and your laugh. I miss your warmth. I am amazed by your mind. You are a wise women at such a young age. You are exceptional-one of a kind and most of all, my heart.

Kelsi, you seize to amaze me. You have grown up to be an extraordinary lady. I love your ability to go through the obstacles that stand your way. I love your smile. I love your style. You are the most beautiful tom-boy I know. You are also exceptional, and one of a kind. But most of all, you are my heart.

I wish those summers and holidays lasted a life time. I never wish to leave you. As we get older, our love will not fade - life will never get in the way. Please understand, that if I could be at two places at the same time I could. Even though I'm here, it doesn't mean I love you two any less. Our relationship is only stronger because of the miles it has to travel.

To my sisters,
You are my all.
I wouldn't be the person I am today without you.
Each one of you has my heart,
And I will be spending my last breath loving you.

Have you ever considered?

Have you ever considered doing something out of the normal? Something that people around you might believe is abnormal? Or even something you will fail at?

One of the biggest decision I made that seemed out of the normal (for me) was getting tattoos and piercings. In my family, tattoos and piercings were associated with having a darker side. And how could Sara, mamma's little princess, want a tattoo? It was a taboo for my family but it soon became accepted because they didn't define who I was. They were just a part of me.

However, I'm talking about something more. For instance, you are going to school to get a degree in business but your heart really wants to ... become a pastry chef and open a bakery. Or, forfeit school all together to travel the world.

The most acceptable future for me, is to get a degree in a field with a substantial job market. Therefore, I had decided at an early age that I would want to become a teacher. I love the educational field and I do believe it is my calling, such as being a mother and a wife. But ... I want to do something nontraditional that I also believe is my calling.

I want to write a book. I've had ideas floating in my mind just haven't put it to paper. The idea of writing a book is intimidating. It seems to be out of the norm. Maybe a little unrealistic. Should I still get my degree in Education because a writer is not a profession and write on the side? Or, should I study literature and write on the side? That would open my mind to other sources of writing and broaden my mind in the world of literature. And if writing a book doesn't succeed, I would have something to fall back on. Or do I just write?

Writing a book may not seem like a crazy idea to you, but if you like to paint do you quit your job to do just that paint?

This is a large task to tackle. Many risks are involved. Do I want to open up my mind and write just to be rejected? Of course if I wrote a book I would want to have it published. Not for fame but for self gratification. What if no one wants to publish it? What if I decided to write about my past? Am I going to hurt anyone? Will people turn away from me?

How do you decided to go forth with a task that is possibly filled with many risks?

Independence

Hello again!

Wow. It has been too long. As predicted in my first blog, I slack off and back away from things I set out to do. My priorities always seem to be the first to disappear. Why can't I do something for me?

I seem to loss focus when it comes to what makes me happy. Being a mother makes me happy and being a wife. But what makes me happy if I strip away motherhood and being a wife? I love to write.

It's a simple process that brings so much enjoyment within my life. But ... it rarely happens. I can't find the time and if I do its either short lived or I feel guilty. Instead of writing, I should be spending more time with Curtis or clean the bathrooms or better yet, sleeping! And, am I a bad person - mother/wife - for wanting some alone time, long enough to focus on something I want to do?

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about being a homemaker. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but can't I be both? I'm not saying I have a bad life. It's just ... how do I maintain, me? I'm grateful for the wonderful husband I have. He is always willing to help with the laundry, give Curtis a bath, and even works two jobs. So, how do I have to right to ask for some alone time? Where is his too?

For the sanity of myself and my family, I believe it is healthy to maintain a certain type of independence. But its only a matter of time before I stop and forget my needs. For Curtis will need a clean diaper, something to drink, or a shoulder to lay on. The bills will have to get paid. The house will need to be cleaned. My husband will need help with school. Is my independence their stability?

Until next time.